To invalidate someone else's experience is, plainly stated, gaslighting.

This is the same as saying that they are lying or don't know their own lived experience.

It can happen even when you mean well and are trying to calm or soothe someone. Immediately offering a positive rationale for someone else's speech or actions, trying to make the situation seem "not so bad", or saying "you should/shouldn't" are all examples of well-meaning but misguided invalidation.

True listening is about acknowledging the person in front of you and the words they are sharing. Perhaps you see things differently... that's ok. But it's not ok to put that forward as a judgment of the situation or the person who is sharing with you.

Bessel Van Der Kolk speaks in his book “The Body Keeps the Score'“ about the science that demonstrates that trauma occurs not only in a traumatic experience but also after a painful situation when a hurting person shares the experience and is met with invalidation. Because it calls into question the truth that they are sharing. "Oh, it's (they're) not that bad", "You shouldn't worry about that", "I'm sure they had a reason".

All of these comments can compound a traumatic experience. Humans need to be heard, acknowledged, validated. This is how they regulate their nervous system. Only from that place can any meaningful assimilation and processing take place. Otherwise, this trauma gets stuffed, stored, and carried around (possibly for years.

This kind of approach to someone sharing a painful situation attempts twists and contorts their experience into something more 'palatable' for the listener. It dismisses the lived experience of a person who has indeed been hurt, dismissed, marginalized, or worse.

So what can you do instead?

1. Listen quietly and actively with full attention and body language indicators that you hear the person (who is sharing something (potentially quite painful for them). Acknowledge what you heard without adding or detracting from what they have shared. "I hear you." "I understand." And "How do you feel about that?" All examples of simple acknowledgment.

2. Wait to speak until they are finished. Allow them the space to share and process their feelings. Something this simple can be very profound in the journey to process feelings and begin to heal. And it's so often overlooked.

3. When they are finished, before offering advice or insight, ask if there's anything they need from you. They may have just needed someone to hear and hold space for them. They may be looking for advice or insight for how to view the situation. Don't automatically assume that they want to know what you think. They may just need a compassionate ear.

Actively practicing these skills in regular everyday conversation can help to strengthen your ability to be present when the time comes to show up for someone in a traumatic situation. It's simple, but not easy. And it is vital to the healing process.

#listeningandlearning